Understanding the Cycle of Abuse: Why It’s Hard to “Just Leave”

sweetpeahousefarms
Sep 22
2 min read

One of the most common questions asked about domestic violence is, “Why don’t they just leave?” While it may seem like an easy solution from the outside, the reality is far more complex. To truly support survivors, we must first understand the cycle of abuse and the barriers that keep people trapped in dangerous situations.

The Cycle of Abuse

Domestic violence often follows a repeating pattern known as the Cycle of Abuse, which includes four stages:

Tension Building
- Stress and conflict rise.
- Survivors often feel like they are “walking on eggshells.”
Incident of Abuse
- Verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse occurs.
- Survivors may be blamed or shamed by their abuser.
Reconciliation / Honeymoon Phase
- The abuser may apologize, promise change, or show affection.
- Survivors may hold on to hope that the relationship will improve.
Calm
- A temporary peace follows, but the underlying issues remain.
- Over time, the cycle repeats—often becoming more intense.

Understanding this cycle helps explain why survivors may stay. They may cling to the calm or the hope promised during the reconciliation stage, making it incredibly difficult to break free.

Barriers Survivors Face

Leaving an abusive relationship is not just about walking out the door. Survivors may face:

Fear for safety – Leaving is often the most dangerous time.
Financial dependence – Abusers may control all money or resources.
Children – Survivors may fear losing custody or putting their children at risk.
Isolation – Abusers often cut off friends, family, and support networks.
Emotional trauma – Years of manipulation can leave survivors doubting their worth or ability to survive on their own.

How We Can Support Survivors

Stop asking “Why don’t they leave?” and start asking, “How can I support them?”
Learn the signs of abuse so you can recognize when someone may be in danger.
Offer resources like shelter information, counseling, or hotline numbers.
Stand beside survivors without judgment, even if they are not ready to leave yet.

Final Thought

Domestic violence is never the survivor’s fault. Understanding the cycle of abuse allows us to respond with empathy instead of criticism. By offering compassion, resources, and consistent support, we can help survivors find the strength and safety they need to move forward.

💜 If you or someone you know is healing from domestic violence, remember that support is available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is open 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting “START” to 88788.